Label

 I feel that I am carrying a label on myself "CANCER"
It is weighing heavy. That's what people sees me.
Even though I know and very appreciate of people being compassionate and caring to me, I know that my cancer is not what God sees me.

Just like the woman in the Bible with the bleeding problem "If only I can touch the garment of His robe, I will be healed" Luke 8:43-48

Just like  "When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”" John 5:1-15

Lord, I want to get well. I want to be healed.

Praying for your miraculous healing on me. But, just like ci Lichen said-  I'd rather seek You, the Healer rather than the healing.

I pray that this trial/burning time does not burn me.

Oh, an update! my #2 biopsy surgery (called TURBT) is scheduled on August 2, 2022. Please pray that it is successful surgery with minimal side effect on me and clean biopsy result :)

Conversation with myself

 

 I have been having TONS of conversation with myself.

"Oh, thank God, the cancer is found in early stages"

"But, it is the beast/aggressive ones"

"God got this"

"Well, I don't know if I'll be there to see Tiara graduates middle/high school"
"This is fine, worse to worse, I will lose my bladder"

"I am only going to be 40 next year and I will be without my bladder?"


All in all, I am encouraged in the Word of God:

Romans 5:3-5:
3 Not only so, but we[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

I asked the oncologist yesterday of what can potentially caused this cancer since I do not smoke. He said "Bad luck?!" 
I believe that God allows some sufferings to purify and bring us closer to Him.

Paul has his thorn on his flesh. Jonah lost everything and got bad disease. 

John 9: 2-3
2 And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3 Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him."

I pray that the works of God might be displayed in me.

God is our Hope and Healer

 I had my first meeting with the surgeon today after the surgery and biopsy.

In the morning, I feel as if I am facing a Judge and handed the "ultimatum". But, I realize that God is our Judge. God holds the Last Call/Judgement.

During the session with the uro-oncologist, he mentioned that bladder cancer journey is like a book. I am on my 1st chapter and there will be plenty chapter - bad or good. His goal is to keep my bladder as long as possible.

I am glad that he is optimistic.

I am reminded that God writes our story. He knows the beginning and the end - He is the Alpha and Omega. Nothing in my life will come as a surprise to Him. I pray that none of my chapters will grieve Him or Holy Spirit. I pray that all of them will bring Honor and Glory to Him.

Testing of Faith

Praising God that He allows me to go through this trials. The experience truly humbles me and brings me closer to Jesus than ever. 

2 Cor 12: 8-10 NIV
 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

James 1: 2-12 ESV

 Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

9 Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, 10 and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass[c] he will pass away. 11 For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.

12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 

God still Speaks

 I am so blessed to be part of God's family. My King, my God that speaks to me. This Sunday during the worship service, the Worship Leader was saying that he feels God has a message for someone "Your ears are surrounded by voices of the enemy and you can't hear the voice of God. Just turn your head"
God silences the boast of sin and grave.

I think that message is for me. I have been dwelling in the "what-ifs" and my heart is full of fear. Fear of the pain, Fear of not being there for Tiara, fear of how our family will go through this storm.

Thank you, God for the reminder that You are still the Victorious one and You are worthy of my songs. 

Worthy of My Songs by Maverick City and Phil Wickham

I'm gonna sing
'Til my heart starts changing
Oh, I'm gonna worship
'Til I mean every word
'Cause the way I feel
And the fear I'm facing
Doesn't change who You are
Or what You deserve

I give You my worship
You still deserve it
You're worthy, You're worthy
You're worthy of my song
I'll pour out Your praises
In blessing and breaking
You're worthy, You're worthy
You're worthy of my song

Yes You are, yes You are, Jesus
You're worth

I'm gonna live
Like my King is risen
Gonna preach to my soul
That You've already won
And even though I can't see it
I'm gonna keep believing
That every promise You make
Is as good as done

I give You my worship
You still deserve it
You're worthy, You're worthy
You're worthy of my song
I'll pour out Your praises
In blessing and breaking
You're worthy, You're worthy
Jesus, You're worthy of my song

You're worthy, You're worthy
Jesus, You're worthy of my song
You're worthy, oh You're worthy

When I sat by that hospital bed, You were worthy
And she could barely lift her head, You were worthy
After all those tears were shed, You were worthy
I'll never stop singing Your praise
I'll never stop singing Your praise

And in the blessing, in the pain, You are worthy
Whether You say "yes" or "no", or "wait", You are worthy
Through it all, I choose to say, "You are worthy"

I'll never stop singing Your praise
No I'll never stop singing Your praise
And when I finally see Your face, I'll cry worthy
And when You wipe these tears away, I'll cry worthy
Above every other name, You are worthy
I'll never stop singing Your praise
No I'll never stop singing Your praise
I'll never stop singing Your praise
I'll never stop singing Your praise

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBWM4laHANw

The Fire that Brings Repetance

 God brings purifying fire that brings us to repentance so that we become a bride that is Holy for Him.

Our family lately has been in purifying trials from our Texas rental house lawsuit since last year, my recent diagnoses of cancer, our water heater broke, Tiara's needs for braces. Feels like money just flew down the drain as well as we are emotionally spent.

Upon doing the taxes earlier this year in March, I noticed that my tithing for 2021 has been very sparse. I have only tithes 3.5 months out of the 12 months. 
God, I repent on that. I have put shopping and fun above Your command! Matthew 6:33 "Seek First the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things should be added onto you"

I have not put God's Kingdom's as priorities. I am sorry, God. Thank you for His redemption power and His gracious gift of forgiveness at the foot of the Cross.

We sang this song tonight at prayer band meeting "God of Possible"- In Jesus Name by Katy Nichole.

I speak the name of Jesus over you
In your hurting, in your sorrow
I will ask my God to move
I speak the name 'cause it's all that I can do
In desperation, I'll seek Heaven
And pray this for you

I pray for your healing, that circumstances would change
I pray that the fear inside would flee in Jesus' name
I pray that a breakthrough would happen today
I pray miracles over your life in Jesus' name
In Jesus' name

We spoke to the doctor yesterday and he recommended another TURBT (recession for extra biopsies) then immunotherapies treatments. I feel that this is the time when God can turn things around! 
My God of Miracle, please come and rescue me!

But, Just like Daniel did, even if you are not, You are still God! to You, God, be all the Glory!

Long Battle

 One thing that now I signed up for: a long battle of cancer.

The Song "Surrounded" by UPPERROOM really has strengthened me:

"This is how I fight my battles
Right here at Your table
Your blood and Your body has overcome...

It may look like I'm surrounded
But I'm surrounded by You" 

 "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:12

"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." 2 Cor 10:4

Deuteronomy 20:4 "For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

Jeremiah 1:19 "They will fight against you, but will not overcome you for I with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.