Trading my "What Ifs" with "No Matter What"

 I was reading an article about praying for healing this week and the article talks about "trading What Ifs with No Matter What". My mind have been wandering with "What ifs" lately.... "what if God doesnt heal me" "What if I have to go through with this pain every day" "What if this is my new normal?"

It does not help my faith when my minds wander like that. I like to trade in my what ifs with No matter what. No matter what happens - I will praise the Lord. No matter what happens, I will give all the glory to God. No matter what happens - Jesus is trustworthy.

Today, the song "One Things Remain" was speaking to me again. That, One Thing Remains - God's love never fails.

I will praise God and trust His loving kindness no matter what. Even when there is trials, pain, storm and tribulation - He is still the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Worthy of all the praise and glory.

Reactive Arthritis

This side effect of BCG - Reactive Arthritis (Reiter's Syndrome) was taken me by surprise. I praise God was doing so well with BCG this round. Then last Tuesday, all my joint start to be sore (my left elbow, both hips and right knee) As if I overstretched them exercising, but I had not. The pain level was like 2/10. The next night, my left ankle starts hurting. I took counterpain ointment so that I can sleep since it was bothering me more. I was limping to my #11 BCG appointment on Friday. I was pumped up for my appointment since there are only 2 treatments left for this series. I was determined to get it done/over with.

Doctor decided to postpone the BCG due to my reactive arthritis side effect. I was bummed but I trust that God knows what's best. I took the day off to rest and Doctor told me to take 400mg Ibuprofen 3x a day around the clock. Praying that this will help control my immune system.

Bladder Cancer and BCG Reactive Arthritis

This morning, as I was seeking the Lord, the verse Romans 8:28 keep replaying in my mind:
"and we know that ALL things work together for good to those who loves God and called according to His purposes"

Lord, I trust You. I know that You know best. I know that You are miracle working God who walks before and besides me. As long as You are with me, I know that I can put my cares on You and You guide me.

Jack and I also celebrate 11th years of wedding anniversary today. God has been faithful. Jack has been good to me. So thankful for him.

GoodRx

 I started my first series of 6 rounds BCG yesterday. It went well- praise the Lord. 
The treatment was at 10am, I was able to "void/pee" at 12pm and then start the flushing and bleaching for the next 4 hours.
Peeing and bleaching every 15 minutes was quite exhausting, but thank God I was able to rest a bit at night. Thankful for Jack to help with Tiara and letting me rest the whole day, even a slight massage at night since I have backache.

Another praise report is that for my medicine prescription, Detrol LA/Tolterodine. Walgreens called me last week and told me that it will cost $269 out of pocket for my prescription. I googled this morning and found out that Bartell would have it for cheaper. Then my sister in law mentioned about goodrx. 

GoodRx listed the medicine at $30 at Bartell. That's $230 savings! Praise God!

Please continue to pray for next BCG appointments:
1/24 9:30am
2/1 9:30am
2/10 9:30am
2/17 9am
2/24 9:30am

1 down and 5 to go! Glory to God!

Desert Song - Hillsong Worship

 On Monday, 12/12/22 I had cystoscopy to check whether the BCG Immunotherapies have killed all the cancer cells in me. 

We saw some red patches and hoping it was just inflammation.
The doctor happened to have cancellation for surgery the next day, Tuesday the 12/13/22 - so I went in for another TURBT (biopsy surgery)

Upon TURBT, I think doctor found more patches with the blue light and suspected that the cancer is still there. 

Yesterday, 12/15/22, I finally received the pathology that confirmed, indeed the high grade cancer is still there - less invasive than the original (Ta stage)

I was very discouraged, disappointed and sad. I wanted to just crawl in the bed, hide under the blanket and do nothing as I am not looking forward to the 6 series of immunotherapy that I will need to go through again in January/February.

I also did not want to go to my prayer meeting yesterday- but I went anyways. Thank God that I went. During the worship - God reminded me of this Desert Song by Hillsong (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUISd7LSxAQ)

All of my life in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

I did not experience the miracle that I anticipated- but God is still God that loves me, cares for me, the Immanuel - I have a reason to praise, to sing and to worship Him. He deserves it all.

My biggest worry was that I was not able to stand another 6 immunotheraphies - but this morning, God reminded me Psalm 29:11 "The LORD will give strength unto his people; The LORD will bless his people with peace."

He will sustain me and uphold me as I go through the fiery trials. I pray that just as Daniel, Sadrakh, Mesakh and Abednego did not burn as God's angels with them - I will also experience His miraculous power and peace as I go through the next immunotheraphies.

Psalm 60:11

 Psalm 60:11 "Give us aid against the enemy, for human help is worthless."

Truly, only God in His sovereignty saves and heals.

I seek acupuncture help couple weeks back and she looked at my tongue and said "your body is cold - what do you eat?" I said "a lot of vegetables, salad and juice" She said "no more raw food and juice" 
I was torn coming out of the appointment. Western and Eastern medicine seems to contradict each other, and I do not know what is good.

This incident actually reminds me that God is our only source of Hope and Strength.

I realized that the prayers during our meal times matter. I used to pray quickly just to thank God for the food. Now, I realized, what a blessing it was to be able to eat and not worry whether it will "feed" my cancer. Praying that God will bless each meals to bring healthy cells and kill those cancer cells.

Please continue to pray for Godly wisdom on Doctor Dash that will consult and check on me in Nov and December. 

I need You, God, come to my rescue.

First Series of 6 BCG Immunotherapies Done

 Last Thursday the 27th, I got my #6 instillations of BCG Immunotherapy, which is the last one for this series. I was hit with much fatigue few days before the instillations and just felt very heavy the day off.

While praise God, there is no new side effect symptoms, my emotions are all over the place.

There is a high/extreme gladness that I get 3 months break before perhaps the next maintenance series.

There is anxiety of the treatment result - which I will find out in cystoscopy on December 12th.

I am also scared of the next BCG series and the side effects, alongside with some pains that I currently have whether it is another health issues/cancer in other parts of my bodies.

But, I speak the name of Jesus over fear and all anxiety. There is power in the Name of Jesus. The Name that Heals (Jehovah Rapha). The Name that holds my victory and future.

These 6 BCG Treatments were not easy for me. There were times that my urethra hurts so much that I need to massage it all the time and put heating pads on it. Most days I wear adult diapers as I have urinary urgency and unpredictable frequency due to the spasms. 

Few things that I am thankful of what God is teaching me throughout this situation:

- Empathy: I used to not be able to relate with others who is in pain/depression as I never experienced it, but now, I can cry with them, pray for them and learn my best to support/help them in their situations.

- Patience: I learn to be patient as I now realize that many people have their own struggles that I might not be able to see. 

- The hunger for God's words: I pray and meditate on God's words as much as I can as I need Them. I need the Words to strengthen me, to get through the tough times, to soak in His presence.

- The power of God's people's prayers: Many friends have prayed and believing that God healed me. One of the lady in my prayer group shared that in the Bible, the quadriplegic was healed because his 4 friends brought him to Jesus. I have many friends who knock on the door of Heaven for my healing and believing alongside me that Jesus has the power to heal me.

- Thankful: While many times, I wish that God will take the pain away, I am thankful that I have this bonus time - I get to spend time with family and friends. I get to finish treatments while it was in nice weather. Now, I get to be home, sit with my warm water and enjoy the colorful Fall trees.

"I will praise you, Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is Your love, reaching to the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let Your glory be over all the earth." Psalm 57: 9-11

Living in Bonus Time

 One of the hopeful night last weekend was also a zoom meeting among cancer patients and survivors hosted by the Charisma Church. 

The main speaker was Dr. Alec Hill - an SPU professor, cancer survivors and authors of multiple books- one of the book is "Living in Bonus Time" (https://www.amazon.com/Living-Bonus-Time-Surviving-Finding/dp/0830845941)

There were 6 of us in the zoom meetings and 4 of the people were cancer survivors- only me and another person, Jeffrey, were still in this cancer fighting journey.

It was very encouraging to see these cancer survivors to serve the Lord and living normally after their battle with cancer.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

To God be the Glory.