FEAR

I heard many people were fearful over covid-19 and even when our family were masking, we were labeled as "fearful". I think we are more cautious than fearful over covid-19.

But, one thing I know about FEAR upon my cancer diagnosis is that Fear cripples.

Few days after I learnt on my diagnosis, I feel half paralyzed. I was in shock and cannot do much.
My heads were spinning on the worst scenarios. 

But, many times, my good Father reminds me gently to trust Him.

On the road, I saw a sticker of "Faith over Fear" on the back of the car.

I also happen to stumble upon this song:

"You already Know" by JJ Heller

I need to tell You that I'm scared

I feel completely unprepared

And nothing's what it was two weeks ago

But You already know, You already know

Everything I'm scared of, everything I hope

You hold my tomorrow, and all tomorrow holds

You already know

https://youtu.be/XYn9Qzj7rRU


Fear has no grip on me as Jesus holds the Final Say

Expiration Date

 One of the thoughts that came to my mind upon the release of the biopsy result was that:

I have an expiration date

I shared with Marini and she said "We all have expiration dates"

That's true. Our lives in this earth is just a temporary one.

I am glad for God's reminders/gentle nudges to press on to Him, to love God, spend time in His words and live the best that He wants me to live.

Urothelial carcinoma

 The pathology result came out today 06/30/2022 at 12pm. Urothelial carcinoma.

Bladder cancer.

That word "cancer" is discouraging.

Just learnt that my doctor is on vacation until July 6th so I won't know what is next step until then.

Praying for healing miracle and Glory to God throughout this process.

Psalm 91: 1-4 NIV

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]

2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

    my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you

    from the fowler’s snare

    and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge;

    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Trusting God

 Yesterday, June 14th, I received scary news from Urologist.

I have been having UTI like symptoms since last May 2021 that come and gone. It mostly come when I am on vacation. The urine culture has been showing no infection despite that I am having UTI like symptoms: burning when urinating, frequency in urination (like every hour at night despite I have not been drinking and no pee came out), as well as the inability to hold when I need to go.

There are multiple factors that I believe might contribute to this:
1) I was on a strict dieting and lost 30lbs back in April/May 2021.
2) I received my J&J vaccine April 15th, 2021.
3) Stress? since the UTI symptoms only seem to appear when I am on vacation. Although, I don't think I am stressful going on vacation.
4) Lack of water from afraid of peeing much in the airplane.

So, because of all of this, the urologist did a cystocopy.

The cystocopy reveals there are patchy areas in the bladder wall that look abnormal- so my urologist want biopsies done. She also mentioned that there is a mass in my bladder. My urologist was optimistic that it does not look like bladder cancer but we need biopsy to be sure.

Part of the cystcopy - she sent my urine sample to pathology and that result wasn't optimistic. It shows suspicious malignancy. Hence, this even confirm that biopsy is needed.

Prayer meeting from Westgate on June 14th said "In Jesus name, Diseases be healed" and I believe in that. Our God is a healer. He created all things good. Anything that happens, he can turn ALL things for good to those who are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28)

Continuing to write this blog today, June 29th, 2022

I had my bladder surgery yesterday. Praise God that it went well without any complication. I was taken into the room at 1:00, 1:30 they put in the blue markers to help the surgeon on my tumor area so that he can take samples well. We had to wait for an hour to get the blue light to settle in before the surgery can begin. It was my first (and hopefully LAST) being put fully under (general anasthesia). The anesthesiologist put some relaxing drip into my IV and I don't even remember that she gave me the oxygen mask. I woke up at 4:20pm in my recovery room as if I just woken up from a nap. 

Now, we just praying that the biopsy result will came out as clean/benign.

Umur panjang di tangan Tuhan ( Long life is in God's hands)

I feel that God is speaking to me quite loudly through this emotionally draining news.
For a while I always said to my friends "I want to live long enough only to help Tiara with her kids in toddlerhood years, so like until 70?!" (I guess this is also resulted from my parents' airline accidents that I think 70 years old is perfect age to pass away before their fragility/old age starts to take a toll)

But, this time, I feel that  God said "I am in control. You don't know how long you will live. You might not even make it to Tiara's High school graduation." God reminds me to be thankful of each day- that long live is a blessing. 

He still has His purposes in my life on earth.

In the midst of Disappointment

Yesterday, I had a disappointing news regarding a job that I have been wanting and one that I felt God wants me to go for. One that I have been waiting on. One that I feel He told me is mine.

I was heartbroken. I did not sleep well. I could not rejoice and I don't feel like celebrating Tiara's birthday today.

This evening, I turned on to Westgate Chapel Tuesday Prayer Meeting ( https://youtu.be/IPiVXYlgEjg) and the pastor was saying (50:05) When you feel that God has broken His promise... please don't hold back, respond to His invitation that He wants to heal your heart"

You are here
And You're healing every heart
I worship You
I worship You

And You are
Way maker, miracle worker
Promise keeper, light in the darkness
My God, that is who You are

Psalm 60: 4 "But you have raised a banner for those who fear you—a rallying point in the face of attack."

The enemy feared and tremble when the Church praise Him.

Spirit of Heaviness, put on the garment of Praise. - Isaiah 61:3

Praising God changes the atmosphere, it soften my heart to surrender to Him. 

Trusting Romans 8:28 (paraphrasing to personalize it to me)- "and [I] know that [my] God makes all things work together for my good [for I] who loves Him and called according to His purposes"

The result does not justify the action

Couple nights ago, I had to discipline my 5 years old daughter.

She loves our Alexa and Google at home to read stories to her. This behavior discourages her reading habit, so I decided to unplug Google.

I have always been emphasizing on safety around the house (i.e stay away from wall plug)
That night, Tiara ran to me and said "Mommy, I plug in Google and I did not get zapped"

While I am glad that she is safe, I told her, the result that she is not getting zapped does not justify her disobedience of first- leaving Google alone and 2nd being not safe.

I had to discipline her so that she remember to be safe.
These boundaries are created for her safety. 

How much does a life cost?

Written as a response to Air Asia QZ8501 and Lion Air JT610 airplanes crash

First of all, my deepest condolences to the families of victims. No words that can describes the pain or the grief of losing love ones. I am deeply disturbed, upset and compelled to express my emotions out in regards to the accidents.

I also want to express my condolences to Mr Syachrul Anto's family (the diver who has died during the operation of retrieving Lion Air’s remains). Mr. Syachrul, thank you for serving the victim's family at the most tangible ways. You died a hero to us.

Air Asia QZ8501 and Lion Air JT610 are the most recent deadliest aviation accident in Indonesia - or in the world. I lost both of my parents and 4 members of my close relatives in December 28, 2014 on the Air Asia QZ 8501. The recent Lion Air accident brings back the memory, the dreadful waiting time of constantly following the news, hoping for the miracles, and being anxious all the time. Those sleepless nights. Restless days.

In this blog, I want to write to 3 groups of people:

1) Indonesian governments, Leaders of the world, Supreme courts' justices in US and in France:
I am pleading for Indonesian government to please help tighten the aviation law. It is sad that Indonesian Airlines was banned in EU for few years and after the banned has been lifted, Lion Air accident happened.
Especially with the Air Asia accident, Air Asia had no permission to fly that day. Air Asia should be penalized for that offense.

Leaders in the worlds -Montreal Convention in 1999 the multilateral treaty in the case of aviation accident needs to be revisited. Within the last 20 years (now it is at the end of 2018) the inflation, the growing countries - the compensation rate no longer suffice for these days. 

Supreme Court Justice in US and France: Boeing and Airbus factories are located in US and France, please help holding these manufacturers due to their known faulty system. They cannot hide on jurisdictional issue.

2) Air Asia and Lion Air

First of all, please put the safety of your passengers above your bottom line value. Pilots need rest. Ongoing pilot training to catch up with the newest technology are highly important. Routine maintenance checks on the airplanes must be well documented in logs.

Secondly, Please do your best to compensate for the family members. Do not hide behind the lawyers and offering the bear minimum by the law.

AirAsia offered compensation of Rupiah 1,250,000,000 (around less than $100K) vs victim of TransAsia Airways Flight 235 (in Taiwan) was offered $475,000.

These difference in value of compensation is insulting to our family- especially knowing that my relatives were travelling in business class airfare.

Thirdly, personal apology from the CEO to each victim or public meetup with the families would be much appreciated. Tony Fernandes- How many times does Ms. Wee Mei Yi have to write to get a response from you? https://www.facebook.com/Remembering-Chi-Man-Zoe-152943471937492/


3) Boeing and Airbus (Artus Meggitt Group)
Please inspect and develop ongoing maintenance to these airlines.
If certain airplanes have been known to have certain issues- please have a recall to inspect them individually and log to the adjustments should be well documented.

Airbus 3** series has been known to have rudder control problem - which was the faulty system that took the life of AirAsia QZ8501. (https://www.usatoday.com/story/travel/flights/2012/11/19/airbus-rudder/1707421/)

Boeing 737 (LionAir JT610) has known problem that the Angle of Attack can provide false readings.(https://www.insurancejournal.com/news/international/2018/11/08/507060.htm)

Overall, while money can never bring us back our loved ones or take away the memory and the pain, but it can help improving quality of life to those who are left behind.