God still Speaks

 I am so blessed to be part of God's family. My King, my God that speaks to me. This Sunday during the worship service, the Worship Leader was saying that he feels God has a message for someone "Your ears are surrounded by voices of the enemy and you can't hear the voice of God. Just turn your head"
God silences the boast of sin and grave.

I think that message is for me. I have been dwelling in the "what-ifs" and my heart is full of fear. Fear of the pain, Fear of not being there for Tiara, fear of how our family will go through this storm.

Thank you, God for the reminder that You are still the Victorious one and You are worthy of my songs. 

Worthy of My Songs by Maverick City and Phil Wickham

I'm gonna sing
'Til my heart starts changing
Oh, I'm gonna worship
'Til I mean every word
'Cause the way I feel
And the fear I'm facing
Doesn't change who You are
Or what You deserve

I give You my worship
You still deserve it
You're worthy, You're worthy
You're worthy of my song
I'll pour out Your praises
In blessing and breaking
You're worthy, You're worthy
You're worthy of my song

Yes You are, yes You are, Jesus
You're worth

I'm gonna live
Like my King is risen
Gonna preach to my soul
That You've already won
And even though I can't see it
I'm gonna keep believing
That every promise You make
Is as good as done

I give You my worship
You still deserve it
You're worthy, You're worthy
You're worthy of my song
I'll pour out Your praises
In blessing and breaking
You're worthy, You're worthy
Jesus, You're worthy of my song

You're worthy, You're worthy
Jesus, You're worthy of my song
You're worthy, oh You're worthy

When I sat by that hospital bed, You were worthy
And she could barely lift her head, You were worthy
After all those tears were shed, You were worthy
I'll never stop singing Your praise
I'll never stop singing Your praise

And in the blessing, in the pain, You are worthy
Whether You say "yes" or "no", or "wait", You are worthy
Through it all, I choose to say, "You are worthy"

I'll never stop singing Your praise
No I'll never stop singing Your praise
And when I finally see Your face, I'll cry worthy
And when You wipe these tears away, I'll cry worthy
Above every other name, You are worthy
I'll never stop singing Your praise
No I'll never stop singing Your praise
I'll never stop singing Your praise
I'll never stop singing Your praise

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBWM4laHANw

The Fire that Brings Repetance

 God brings purifying fire that brings us to repentance so that we become a bride that is Holy for Him.

Our family lately has been in purifying trials from our Texas rental house lawsuit since last year, my recent diagnoses of cancer, our water heater broke, Tiara's needs for braces. Feels like money just flew down the drain as well as we are emotionally spent.

Upon doing the taxes earlier this year in March, I noticed that my tithing for 2021 has been very sparse. I have only tithes 3.5 months out of the 12 months. 
God, I repent on that. I have put shopping and fun above Your command! Matthew 6:33 "Seek First the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things should be added onto you"

I have not put God's Kingdom's as priorities. I am sorry, God. Thank you for His redemption power and His gracious gift of forgiveness at the foot of the Cross.

We sang this song tonight at prayer band meeting "God of Possible"- In Jesus Name by Katy Nichole.

I speak the name of Jesus over you
In your hurting, in your sorrow
I will ask my God to move
I speak the name 'cause it's all that I can do
In desperation, I'll seek Heaven
And pray this for you

I pray for your healing, that circumstances would change
I pray that the fear inside would flee in Jesus' name
I pray that a breakthrough would happen today
I pray miracles over your life in Jesus' name
In Jesus' name

We spoke to the doctor yesterday and he recommended another TURBT (recession for extra biopsies) then immunotherapies treatments. I feel that this is the time when God can turn things around! 
My God of Miracle, please come and rescue me!

But, Just like Daniel did, even if you are not, You are still God! to You, God, be all the Glory!

Long Battle

 One thing that now I signed up for: a long battle of cancer.

The Song "Surrounded" by UPPERROOM really has strengthened me:

"This is how I fight my battles
Right here at Your table
Your blood and Your body has overcome...

It may look like I'm surrounded
But I'm surrounded by You" 

 "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:12

"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." 2 Cor 10:4

Deuteronomy 20:4 "For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

Jeremiah 1:19 "They will fight against you, but will not overcome you for I with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.

FEAR

I heard many people were fearful over covid-19 and even when our family were masking, we were labeled as "fearful". I think we are more cautious than fearful over covid-19.

But, one thing I know about FEAR upon my cancer diagnosis is that Fear cripples.

Few days after I learnt on my diagnosis, I feel half paralyzed. I was in shock and cannot do much.
My heads were spinning on the worst scenarios. 

But, many times, my good Father reminds me gently to trust Him.

On the road, I saw a sticker of "Faith over Fear" on the back of the car.

I also happen to stumble upon this song:

"You already Know" by JJ Heller

I need to tell You that I'm scared

I feel completely unprepared

And nothing's what it was two weeks ago

But You already know, You already know

Everything I'm scared of, everything I hope

You hold my tomorrow, and all tomorrow holds

You already know

https://youtu.be/XYn9Qzj7rRU


Fear has no grip on me as Jesus holds the Final Say

Expiration Date

 One of the thoughts that came to my mind upon the release of the biopsy result was that:

I have an expiration date

I shared with Marini and she said "We all have expiration dates"

That's true. Our lives in this earth is just a temporary one.

I am glad for God's reminders/gentle nudges to press on to Him, to love God, spend time in His words and live the best that He wants me to live.

Urothelial carcinoma

 The pathology result came out today 06/30/2022 at 12pm. Urothelial carcinoma.

Bladder cancer.

That word "cancer" is discouraging.

Just learnt that my doctor is on vacation until July 6th so I won't know what is next step until then.

Praying for healing miracle and Glory to God throughout this process.

Psalm 91: 1-4 NIV

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]

2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

    my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you

    from the fowler’s snare

    and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge;

    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Trusting God

 Yesterday, June 14th, I received scary news from Urologist.

I have been having UTI like symptoms since last May 2021 that come and gone. It mostly come when I am on vacation. The urine culture has been showing no infection despite that I am having UTI like symptoms: burning when urinating, frequency in urination (like every hour at night despite I have not been drinking and no pee came out), as well as the inability to hold when I need to go.

There are multiple factors that I believe might contribute to this:
1) I was on a strict dieting and lost 30lbs back in April/May 2021.
2) I received my J&J vaccine April 15th, 2021.
3) Stress? since the UTI symptoms only seem to appear when I am on vacation. Although, I don't think I am stressful going on vacation.
4) Lack of water from afraid of peeing much in the airplane.

So, because of all of this, the urologist did a cystocopy.

The cystocopy reveals there are patchy areas in the bladder wall that look abnormal- so my urologist want biopsies done. She also mentioned that there is a mass in my bladder. My urologist was optimistic that it does not look like bladder cancer but we need biopsy to be sure.

Part of the cystcopy - she sent my urine sample to pathology and that result wasn't optimistic. It shows suspicious malignancy. Hence, this even confirm that biopsy is needed.

Prayer meeting from Westgate on June 14th said "In Jesus name, Diseases be healed" and I believe in that. Our God is a healer. He created all things good. Anything that happens, he can turn ALL things for good to those who are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28)

Continuing to write this blog today, June 29th, 2022

I had my bladder surgery yesterday. Praise God that it went well without any complication. I was taken into the room at 1:00, 1:30 they put in the blue markers to help the surgeon on my tumor area so that he can take samples well. We had to wait for an hour to get the blue light to settle in before the surgery can begin. It was my first (and hopefully LAST) being put fully under (general anasthesia). The anesthesiologist put some relaxing drip into my IV and I don't even remember that she gave me the oxygen mask. I woke up at 4:20pm in my recovery room as if I just woken up from a nap. 

Now, we just praying that the biopsy result will came out as clean/benign.

Umur panjang di tangan Tuhan ( Long life is in God's hands)

I feel that God is speaking to me quite loudly through this emotionally draining news.
For a while I always said to my friends "I want to live long enough only to help Tiara with her kids in toddlerhood years, so like until 70?!" (I guess this is also resulted from my parents' airline accidents that I think 70 years old is perfect age to pass away before their fragility/old age starts to take a toll)

But, this time, I feel that  God said "I am in control. You don't know how long you will live. You might not even make it to Tiara's High school graduation." God reminds me to be thankful of each day- that long live is a blessing. 

He still has His purposes in my life on earth.