So thankful

 Unfortunately, I did not have negative urine cytology report. Instead I got "suspicious for high grade carcinoma" report. I am scheduled for biopsy surgery (turbt) on February 10.

But, God, always know how to encourage me. As I spend time in devotion yesterday, I was in Exodus 17: 10-13. 
 " So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. 11 As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. 12 When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. 13 So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword."

When I shared my health news with few girlfriends, their overwhelming supports remind me, just like Moses, when I am down and tired, their support life me up (through prayers, through checking in and loving on me)

God is my Jehovah Nissi - my battle belongs to the Lord.

God Story

On my way to work, Spirit 105.3 was playing God Story by Anne Wilson and I am choosing to make my life a God story- whether it is the ups or the downs.

"Is my life is a God story

Gotta tell the world what He's done for me

Miracles on miracles that only He could do

I'm proof that we're all only one prayer away from a testimony

There's only One getting all the glory

My whole life is a God story, God story"

This morning I went for another cystoscopy procedure to check my bladder condition as part of the cancer recurrence prevention. There is a red spot - my heart sank, my mind went wildly to multiple what ifs.
But, I chose- to believe on the God news. He is writing my story, I need to just hold my life with open hands and let Him lead me on.

Would you please pray with me so that the lab result (supposedly by Monday) will be negative?

Isaiah 40:28 "Don't you know? Haven't you heard? The Lord, the eternal God, the creator of the Earth never gets tired or weary, and no one can measure His understanding"

Volleyball Mom Thoughts - Benched

 This is Tiara's 2nd year in club volleyball.

Last game, she was in only for 5 minutes during the whole match (2 sets) and our team lost.

I was not too happy when she did not get to play. I think Tiara is a decent player, during the 5 minutes she was in the game, she did well - she gave solid passes and displayed good sportsmanship with the team. 
I have also been supplementing Tiara with private sessions so that she is improving in her skills (serving, setting, passing) despite her smaller stature.

It made me begin spiraling thinking of next year's club season - what can I do better as a parent in helping choose a team for Tiara so that she get more on the court time. I believe that court time is valuable as it is where the experience of real game is.

However, as I prayed and talked with few people, I realized that in every circumstances - there is a beautiful lesson we can learn. Tiara can learn real life lessons from being in a bench.
She might do all the right thing and still being benched - can help her with humility and grit, developing perseverance.
Not only her- but me as her mom as well - I can be better supporter for her. Being there when outcomes are not as what we hoped for.

I am sure this will just make both her and I stronger later - when promotions were handed to her colleague instead of her, when she was not selected on better projects/team.

We still trust that God is always in control as we submit to Him. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6 

Sanctity of Life

 Pro-life and pro-choice has in debate for years, especially during political election year like now, 2024.
I am reminded back in my college year at Seattle University where I have to take Ethics class.
One of the question was to defend or argue against abortion. As I was trying to compose my thoughts, which I was not good at to begin with, I peeked into my classmate who goes to church with me.
She wrote "I agree with Roe vs Wade and a female's right for an abortion". What she wrote still struck me to today as I am pondering back then until now:

 "How can a Christian be ok with abortion?"

Growing up in Indonesia, I was never challenged to think critically - especially for ethic/political standards as my parents said that what we think don't matter. So, why waste our time and effort learning/thinking about it. But, now, being in USA for 20 years and since Roe vs Wade was overturned last year, I been thinking more about this issue.

I believe in the Sanctity of Life based on the Bible:

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:1-4 

Hearing so many couples around me struggling to have a child, I believe that it is God who gives and takes away. As Christians, we have to believe that our God is a Transformative and Redemptive God! Every single story of how a mom conceive a child, whether within her own will or not, God can turn that story around (Romans 8:28)

Sin started because of Eve's choice to eat the fruit of the tree.

As Christians, our Biblical standard should be unwavering for the Sanctity of Life based on His words. 

Favor

 Last Monday morning, I called a friend who I haven't talked for months, Tina, whether she want to walk around the park since my schedule allows.

She told me that she has plan that morning. I asked her what she is doing and she said that she is trying to make appointment for Nexus interview.

I told her that I have been trying for months to make the appointment as well and she told me that the slots open on the 1st and 3rd Mondays of the month.

I immediately opened my laptop trying to make the appointment as well. The government site keeps on crashing. I called Jack so that he can make appointment for himself as well.

Long story short - we, all 3 of us, Jack, Tiara and me were able to get appointment at same day in February 2025.

This is a favor. Totally God's blessings.

"The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."
Psalm 37:23 NLT

This sickness will not end in death

God's words always so encouraging.
What I heard from Tuesday prayer meeting was "When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” John 1:14 NIV
Whatever goes the next 10 weeks - I know that He has me at the palms of His Hands.

Atypical Urine Cytology

 On 01-17-24 I had my 3 months cystoscopy for bladder check. There is a tiny red spot that was a bit concerning. The urine cytology came back yesterday with "Atypical Urothelial Cells" with increased nuclear to cytoplasmic ratios. This is not the "Negative for high grade carcinoma" that I was hoping for.

I am nervous and worried. Waiting currently waiting for Dr's call. I was prepared with "Desert Song by Hillsong Worship":
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
All of my life in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Also claiming Exodus 15:36 “If you listen carefully to the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you.”

Jack's workplace- Convoy Trucking News

On Nov 18th, Wednesday morning, Jack texted me and said, "Please pray for Convoy". Then an hour after that he said, "I'm going home" and he sent me an article: Digital Freight Broker Convoy Cancels Loads, Preps For Major Announcement (cdllife.com)

Everyone in the company was sent home.  No one knows what happened. On Thursday morning at 8am, there was an all-hands meeting, and the CEO announced that there is no more Convoy Trucking. By mid-day, all employees received termination letters. 

My mind was spinning and wondering why God would allow us to go through this when we are following His prompting. Did we hear it wrong? Jack left his nicely paid, well-structured, great work-life-balance job at HBO because God told him to move away from entertainment industry and we feel led to move to Convoy despite a chunk of his compensation were stocks that now worth $0.

God reminded me the story of Joseph of how honest Joseph was, yet, multiple occasions he was tricked by his own brothers, schemed by Potifar's wife, forgotten by the cup-bearer after he interpreted the dream. But, God has never forgotten Joseph. 

We trusted God and on Friday- there were a "hush-hush" that Convoy might be purchased by Flexport and Jack is part of the 50-70 employees that will be moving on to Flexport. 

Praise God by November 1st, Jack received an offer from Flexport, so our family is not in bind with money. I am thankful that our God is trustworthy (even if He does not provide job right away, we still praise Him)

So now Jack will be joining Flexport team December 1st, 2023. Next Friday. Praying for Jack to have good season at Flexport. 

God is a sun and shield

 Psalm 84:11 says, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

The portrayal of God as the Sun speaks to my heart lately.
He is powerful, just like the heat of the Sun that burns and purifies./
He is Light. He shines through the darkness

Our God works in power (Sun) and in care (shield). He is trustworthy to save and protect us in times of trouble.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

 Mark 9:24 "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” considered as one of the most honest prayer.

I will have my cystoscopy tomorrow to check whether there is any cancer recurrence. I am still experiencing some symptoms of frequent urination, urine retention. I am worried that there will be recurrence since the recurrence for bladder cancer is considered high. But, I am trusting the blood of Jesus and His name.

Today we sang "Believe For It" by Cece Winans at church and this song encouraged me much.

We believe that Jesus' name has power. Every promises He has is Yes and Amen.

Jesus is able to:1) Bring salvation to my brother- God has Henry's name in the book of life. 2) Restore broken relationship - I desire to have good relationship with my mother in law. 3) Healing miracle - cancer will never return to my body - not in my bladder and nowhere.

"You said "It is Done", and I believe it"

Love Letters and Weapon for War

 This week, I just realized that the Bible is not only full of God's love letters and His wonderful promises to me but it is also the mighty weapon for war. 

For the longest time, When I pray - I love to claim God's wonderful promises and wonder on His loving thoughts towards me. But, now, I feel that it is the time to wage a war with the world.

We do not belong to this world and things of this world will continue to go against God's Words. We need to start waging war in our prayers asking God to command His Angels according to His promises.

"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12 NLT

"We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ." 2 Cor 10:5 NLT

I would like to encourage everyone to take offensive positions in our prayers. We need to take the Swords (the Bible) for battle against our own thoughts/sin and also for battle on behalf of others/our country/the world.

Only our God, Jesus Christ, is Mighty to Save! He is our Redeemer!

I have Testimonies

 This week has been a very rough week since I constantly have pink colored pee and some clots.
It started last week, right after our Vancouver vacation. I caught a cold and my suspicion is that the cough/sneeze might have strained my bladder and caused it to tear tiny bit since my urologist said my bladder is very fragile and irritated.

I had ER visits on Friday since I had clots and were not able to urinate. Thankfully, as I stepped into the ER lobby, I passed the clots in the toilet. So, I had saline IVed in, then as soon as my pee is clearer, I got discharged.

On Sunday night around 11pm, the episode of peeing blood and clotting resumes. I checked myself into the ER around 3am and got irrigated at 5am, making it home in time when Tiara wakes up at 6:30am.

We went to Tuesday prayer meeting at Westgate and met few people, one common thing I heard from people is that "Now you can say "I have a testimony"" 

I need to praise God for:
1) His blessings that we got to enjoy Vancouver vacation without this worry.
2) Multiple ER visits that I had to wait for only 15-30 minutes - I was terrified that I had to wait 2-3 hours like my last August 2022 visit (Jack prayed for compassionate staffs and for me to be seen right away)
3) His faithfulness! Our God is faithful - He is walking with us!

Please continue to pray for peace as I navigate this week. I am still peeing pink here and there and passing small clots time to time. Urologist said this is normal for about a month until the bladder heals. I just want a good night sleep that I don't have to worry to drink enough and pee often for flushing.

Easter Miracle

 Last Sunday, pastor Evan was talking about disappointment. After disappointment- we need to still look for Jesus. 

I was desperate for a miracle. My surgery was on Tuesday, March 28th- my 4th TURBT.

I have been having symptoms of frequent urination, bladder spasms and some pain in my urethra- as well as many joint pains as reactive side effects from BCG immunotherapies.

I have little faith that God wants to heal me as i faced disappointment last December during my check/cystocopy.

On the day of the surgery, i spoke blessings of Numbers 6:24-26 over and to my nurse, Mary and my surgeon, Dr. Dash. 

When i was wheeled into the OR.. one of the nurse said "you know that we have to move you to the other table, right?" And i said "Yes, this is my 4th time" The nurse then said "i hope you will never see this OR again" and i said "Amen"

I want to believe that God wants to heal me and He will restore me to complete healing. I heard God say "clean" - i was not sure whether i will get a clean bill of health or my surgeon will clean any tumors he find.

After the surgery- the oncologist was saying that my bladder is very inflammed and sensitive- he had hard time controlling the bleeding from tiny biopsies.

I was worried and sad. I turn to Jesus. Let His will be done in my life.

On Thursday, the cyto pathology (urine sample pathology) shows NEGATIVE FOR CARCINOMA.

This is a miracle. God is clear- its not just atypical or sample not enough- but it is No cancer report!!

On Sunday, 4/2, the biopsy results also says "negative for carcinoma"

Praise Jesus, Hallelujah, I received my Easter Miracle!

Trading my "What Ifs" with "No Matter What"

 I was reading an article about praying for healing this week and the article talks about "trading What Ifs with No Matter What". My mind have been wandering with "What ifs" lately.... "what if God doesnt heal me" "What if I have to go through with this pain every day" "What if this is my new normal?"

It does not help my faith when my minds wander like that. I like to trade in my what ifs with No matter what. No matter what happens - I will praise the Lord. No matter what happens, I will give all the glory to God. No matter what happens - Jesus is trustworthy.

Today, the song "One Things Remain" was speaking to me again. That, One Thing Remains - God's love never fails.

I will praise God and trust His loving kindness no matter what. Even when there is trials, pain, storm and tribulation - He is still the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Worthy of all the praise and glory.

Reactive Arthritis

This side effect of BCG - Reactive Arthritis (Reiter's Syndrome) was taken me by surprise. I praise God was doing so well with BCG this round. Then last Tuesday, all my joint start to be sore (my left elbow, both hips and right knee) As if I overstretched them exercising, but I had not. The pain level was like 2/10. The next night, my left ankle starts hurting. I took counterpain ointment so that I can sleep since it was bothering me more. I was limping to my #11 BCG appointment on Friday. I was pumped up for my appointment since there are only 2 treatments left for this series. I was determined to get it done/over with.

Doctor decided to postpone the BCG due to my reactive arthritis side effect. I was bummed but I trust that God knows what's best. I took the day off to rest and Doctor told me to take 400mg Ibuprofen 3x a day around the clock. Praying that this will help control my immune system.

Bladder Cancer and BCG Reactive Arthritis

This morning, as I was seeking the Lord, the verse Romans 8:28 keep replaying in my mind:
"and we know that ALL things work together for good to those who loves God and called according to His purposes"

Lord, I trust You. I know that You know best. I know that You are miracle working God who walks before and besides me. As long as You are with me, I know that I can put my cares on You and You guide me.

Jack and I also celebrate 11th years of wedding anniversary today. God has been faithful. Jack has been good to me. So thankful for him.

GoodRx

 I started my first series of 6 rounds BCG yesterday. It went well- praise the Lord. 
The treatment was at 10am, I was able to "void/pee" at 12pm and then start the flushing and bleaching for the next 4 hours.
Peeing and bleaching every 15 minutes was quite exhausting, but thank God I was able to rest a bit at night. Thankful for Jack to help with Tiara and letting me rest the whole day, even a slight massage at night since I have backache.

Another praise report is that for my medicine prescription, Detrol LA/Tolterodine. Walgreens called me last week and told me that it will cost $269 out of pocket for my prescription. I googled this morning and found out that Bartell would have it for cheaper. Then my sister in law mentioned about goodrx. 

GoodRx listed the medicine at $30 at Bartell. That's $230 savings! Praise God!

Please continue to pray for next BCG appointments:
1/24 9:30am
2/1 9:30am
2/10 9:30am
2/17 9am
2/24 9:30am

1 down and 5 to go! Glory to God!

Desert Song - Hillsong Worship

 On Monday, 12/12/22 I had cystoscopy to check whether the BCG Immunotherapies have killed all the cancer cells in me. 

We saw some red patches and hoping it was just inflammation.
The doctor happened to have cancellation for surgery the next day, Tuesday the 12/13/22 - so I went in for another TURBT (biopsy surgery)

Upon TURBT, I think doctor found more patches with the blue light and suspected that the cancer is still there. 

Yesterday, 12/15/22, I finally received the pathology that confirmed, indeed the high grade cancer is still there - less invasive than the original (Ta stage)

I was very discouraged, disappointed and sad. I wanted to just crawl in the bed, hide under the blanket and do nothing as I am not looking forward to the 6 series of immunotherapy that I will need to go through again in January/February.

I also did not want to go to my prayer meeting yesterday- but I went anyways. Thank God that I went. During the worship - God reminded me of this Desert Song by Hillsong (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUISd7LSxAQ)

All of my life in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

I did not experience the miracle that I anticipated- but God is still God that loves me, cares for me, the Immanuel - I have a reason to praise, to sing and to worship Him. He deserves it all.

My biggest worry was that I was not able to stand another 6 immunotheraphies - but this morning, God reminded me Psalm 29:11 "The LORD will give strength unto his people; The LORD will bless his people with peace."

He will sustain me and uphold me as I go through the fiery trials. I pray that just as Daniel, Sadrakh, Mesakh and Abednego did not burn as God's angels with them - I will also experience His miraculous power and peace as I go through the next immunotheraphies.

Psalm 60:11

 Psalm 60:11 "Give us aid against the enemy, for human help is worthless."

Truly, only God in His sovereignty saves and heals.

I seek acupuncture help couple weeks back and she looked at my tongue and said "your body is cold - what do you eat?" I said "a lot of vegetables, salad and juice" She said "no more raw food and juice" 
I was torn coming out of the appointment. Western and Eastern medicine seems to contradict each other, and I do not know what is good.

This incident actually reminds me that God is our only source of Hope and Strength.

I realized that the prayers during our meal times matter. I used to pray quickly just to thank God for the food. Now, I realized, what a blessing it was to be able to eat and not worry whether it will "feed" my cancer. Praying that God will bless each meals to bring healthy cells and kill those cancer cells.

Please continue to pray for Godly wisdom on Doctor Dash that will consult and check on me in Nov and December. 

I need You, God, come to my rescue.

First Series of 6 BCG Immunotherapies Done

 Last Thursday the 27th, I got my #6 instillations of BCG Immunotherapy, which is the last one for this series. I was hit with much fatigue few days before the instillations and just felt very heavy the day off.

While praise God, there is no new side effect symptoms, my emotions are all over the place.

There is a high/extreme gladness that I get 3 months break before perhaps the next maintenance series.

There is anxiety of the treatment result - which I will find out in cystoscopy on December 12th.

I am also scared of the next BCG series and the side effects, alongside with some pains that I currently have whether it is another health issues/cancer in other parts of my bodies.

But, I speak the name of Jesus over fear and all anxiety. There is power in the Name of Jesus. The Name that Heals (Jehovah Rapha). The Name that holds my victory and future.

These 6 BCG Treatments were not easy for me. There were times that my urethra hurts so much that I need to massage it all the time and put heating pads on it. Most days I wear adult diapers as I have urinary urgency and unpredictable frequency due to the spasms. 

Few things that I am thankful of what God is teaching me throughout this situation:

- Empathy: I used to not be able to relate with others who is in pain/depression as I never experienced it, but now, I can cry with them, pray for them and learn my best to support/help them in their situations.

- Patience: I learn to be patient as I now realize that many people have their own struggles that I might not be able to see. 

- The hunger for God's words: I pray and meditate on God's words as much as I can as I need Them. I need the Words to strengthen me, to get through the tough times, to soak in His presence.

- The power of God's people's prayers: Many friends have prayed and believing that God healed me. One of the lady in my prayer group shared that in the Bible, the quadriplegic was healed because his 4 friends brought him to Jesus. I have many friends who knock on the door of Heaven for my healing and believing alongside me that Jesus has the power to heal me.

- Thankful: While many times, I wish that God will take the pain away, I am thankful that I have this bonus time - I get to spend time with family and friends. I get to finish treatments while it was in nice weather. Now, I get to be home, sit with my warm water and enjoy the colorful Fall trees.

"I will praise you, Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is Your love, reaching to the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let Your glory be over all the earth." Psalm 57: 9-11

Living in Bonus Time

 One of the hopeful night last weekend was also a zoom meeting among cancer patients and survivors hosted by the Charisma Church. 

The main speaker was Dr. Alec Hill - an SPU professor, cancer survivors and authors of multiple books- one of the book is "Living in Bonus Time" (https://www.amazon.com/Living-Bonus-Time-Surviving-Finding/dp/0830845941)

There were 6 of us in the zoom meetings and 4 of the people were cancer survivors- only me and another person, Jeffrey, were still in this cancer fighting journey.

It was very encouraging to see these cancer survivors to serve the Lord and living normally after their battle with cancer.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

To God be the Glory.