Desert Song - Hillsong Worship

 On Monday, 12/12/22 I had cystoscopy to check whether the BCG Immunotherapies have killed all the cancer cells in me. 

We saw some red patches and hoping it was just inflammation.
The doctor happened to have cancellation for surgery the next day, Tuesday the 12/13/22 - so I went in for another TURBT (biopsy surgery)

Upon TURBT, I think doctor found more patches with the blue light and suspected that the cancer is still there. 

Yesterday, 12/15/22, I finally received the pathology that confirmed, indeed the high grade cancer is still there - less invasive than the original (Ta stage)

I was very discouraged, disappointed and sad. I wanted to just crawl in the bed, hide under the blanket and do nothing as I am not looking forward to the 6 series of immunotherapy that I will need to go through again in January/February.

I also did not want to go to my prayer meeting yesterday- but I went anyways. Thank God that I went. During the worship - God reminded me of this Desert Song by Hillsong (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUISd7LSxAQ)

All of my life in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

I did not experience the miracle that I anticipated- but God is still God that loves me, cares for me, the Immanuel - I have a reason to praise, to sing and to worship Him. He deserves it all.

My biggest worry was that I was not able to stand another 6 immunotheraphies - but this morning, God reminded me Psalm 29:11 "The LORD will give strength unto his people; The LORD will bless his people with peace."

He will sustain me and uphold me as I go through the fiery trials. I pray that just as Daniel, Sadrakh, Mesakh and Abednego did not burn as God's angels with them - I will also experience His miraculous power and peace as I go through the next immunotheraphies.

Psalm 60:11

 Psalm 60:11 "Give us aid against the enemy, for human help is worthless."

Truly, only God in His sovereignty saves and heals.

I seek acupuncture help couple weeks back and she looked at my tongue and said "your body is cold - what do you eat?" I said "a lot of vegetables, salad and juice" She said "no more raw food and juice" 
I was torn coming out of the appointment. Western and Eastern medicine seems to contradict each other, and I do not know what is good.

This incident actually reminds me that God is our only source of Hope and Strength.

I realized that the prayers during our meal times matter. I used to pray quickly just to thank God for the food. Now, I realized, what a blessing it was to be able to eat and not worry whether it will "feed" my cancer. Praying that God will bless each meals to bring healthy cells and kill those cancer cells.

Please continue to pray for Godly wisdom on Doctor Dash that will consult and check on me in Nov and December. 

I need You, God, come to my rescue.

First Series of 6 BCG Immunotherapies Done

 Last Thursday the 27th, I got my #6 instillations of BCG Immunotherapy, which is the last one for this series. I was hit with much fatigue few days before the instillations and just felt very heavy the day off.

While praise God, there is no new side effect symptoms, my emotions are all over the place.

There is a high/extreme gladness that I get 3 months break before perhaps the next maintenance series.

There is anxiety of the treatment result - which I will find out in cystoscopy on December 12th.

I am also scared of the next BCG series and the side effects, alongside with some pains that I currently have whether it is another health issues/cancer in other parts of my bodies.

But, I speak the name of Jesus over fear and all anxiety. There is power in the Name of Jesus. The Name that Heals (Jehovah Rapha). The Name that holds my victory and future.

These 6 BCG Treatments were not easy for me. There were times that my urethra hurts so much that I need to massage it all the time and put heating pads on it. Most days I wear adult diapers as I have urinary urgency and unpredictable frequency due to the spasms. 

Few things that I am thankful of what God is teaching me throughout this situation:

- Empathy: I used to not be able to relate with others who is in pain/depression as I never experienced it, but now, I can cry with them, pray for them and learn my best to support/help them in their situations.

- Patience: I learn to be patient as I now realize that many people have their own struggles that I might not be able to see. 

- The hunger for God's words: I pray and meditate on God's words as much as I can as I need Them. I need the Words to strengthen me, to get through the tough times, to soak in His presence.

- The power of God's people's prayers: Many friends have prayed and believing that God healed me. One of the lady in my prayer group shared that in the Bible, the quadriplegic was healed because his 4 friends brought him to Jesus. I have many friends who knock on the door of Heaven for my healing and believing alongside me that Jesus has the power to heal me.

- Thankful: While many times, I wish that God will take the pain away, I am thankful that I have this bonus time - I get to spend time with family and friends. I get to finish treatments while it was in nice weather. Now, I get to be home, sit with my warm water and enjoy the colorful Fall trees.

"I will praise you, Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is Your love, reaching to the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let Your glory be over all the earth." Psalm 57: 9-11

Living in Bonus Time

 One of the hopeful night last weekend was also a zoom meeting among cancer patients and survivors hosted by the Charisma Church. 

The main speaker was Dr. Alec Hill - an SPU professor, cancer survivors and authors of multiple books- one of the book is "Living in Bonus Time" (https://www.amazon.com/Living-Bonus-Time-Surviving-Finding/dp/0830845941)

There were 6 of us in the zoom meetings and 4 of the people were cancer survivors- only me and another person, Jeffrey, were still in this cancer fighting journey.

It was very encouraging to see these cancer survivors to serve the Lord and living normally after their battle with cancer.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

To God be the Glory. 

God is with me - Immanuel

 This morning, a lady from my prayer group, Soo sent me a text "He is with you, Theresia"
I am very blessed to have multiple sisters praying and caring over me this morning.

As I walked into the hospital for my #3 BCG instillation, the nurse that greeted me was different than my previous 2 instillation. My anxiety raises as I feel that I don't know whether she is an experienced nurse or not. 

The nurse, Leah, was very calm and attentive to me. I mentioned to her that I am nervous as my #2 one had a bad side effect on me. I said "I am nervous but I know God got me". She said "I believe God is with you." Then I proceeded to say " I pray Psalm 91 over myself" and she said "I prayed Psalm 91 over all my patients this morning too"

I then just cried. I was overwhelmed with the evidence of God's goodness and His tender mercies. I do not deserve Him but He knows and He cares for me.

The nurse, Leah, said that it is not a coincidence that she is my nurse today. She doesn't normally do BCG treatment but today she did and she secured the smallest catheter for me and she released the medicine slowly so that my bladder is not in shock.

God loves me so much and I am blessed.

Praying for nurse Leah that she can assist me again next time and I pray blessings over her days and her family.

To God be The Glory.

He is Immanuel.

Audacious Ask

 Yesterday, at Westgate Chapel, we were encouraged to ask for MORE. Bigger and audacious ask for our God to move. We asked for 1 billion soul throughout the nation that Hell will be empty as people all joining God in Heaven.

It made me thought of Tiara asking Jack this past Sunday during her relay race. She asked her dad if he could buy ice cream for her entire team. That was an audacious ask. I told Jack, "wow, it's amazing that she dares to ask you that and think that you would do it" 
Jack didn't. But, it made me think of my Heavenly Father.

I am encouraged to ask boldly. Jesus, please restore anything that this immunotherapy has taken away from me. The pain and urinary frequency- Jesus, You can heal me. Praying that cancer will go away miraculously and that bladder and urethra will stop acting up. Praying for wisdom for the doctor to give his best recommendation.

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts. to your children, how much more will your Father who. is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:11

Praying Psalm 91:14-16
The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love Me.  I will protect those who trust in My Name. When they call on me, I will answer;I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them My salvation.

A Long Life and His salvation

Medical Trauma

 New term that I came to diagnose myself with: Medical Trauma.

Medical trauma refers to a patient's psychological and physiological response to a negative or traumatic experience in a medical setting. The experience may involve illness, injury, pain, invasive or frightening procedures, and/or distressing or dismissive medical treatment

I did not know such term exists until recently.

1) The inability to pee from my 2nd TURBT surgery due to clotting have scarred me. I keep on being scared of urinary retention and inability to pee.

2) I took oxybutynin (prescribed medicine for overactive bladder) before my clotting/bleeding - since then, I am scared to take oxybutynin. I just recently took it again but I feel that it actually gives me more spasms instead of managing it.

3) BCG treatment- since I had bad side effect/somewhat painful UTI symptoms from #2 couple weeks ago, I am nervous of doing #3 this Friday the 23rd.

But again, I have to remember that God can. God is bigger than all of this. Only He can heal my medical trauma as well.

I remember back in college, I have a friend who keep on reliving his experience with leukemia and I thought, "You are healed and it's been years" Now, I understand that medical trauma scars you for life.

Jesus, please calm the storm in my heart and mind.

Neobladder Thoughts

Since my UTI symptoms were bad, in my opinion.
I had to pee every 10-15 minutes, woke up multiple times at night...

I had a thought "I probably should just cancel the immunotheraphy and just ask for radical cystectomy - getting a neobladder"

There is a gentle voice that whispers to me "What I made is better than what men made"

It brought me to tears. Yes, God. I trust that what You made is better.

Help me to get better.

I can't, only You can.

Praying I will be able to get 3rd immunotherapy this Friday without much side effects.

2nd BCG Treatment

 I had 2nd BCG Treatment last Friday 9/9/22- I had UTI like symptoms after the instillation - I pee every 15-20 minutes, even at night - I pee every 1-2 hours (I sleep at 10pm, would wake up at 12, 2am - can't go back to sleep until 3:30, wake up again at 4:30, 5:30 and 6:30).

I couldn't get to my doctor to ask him for more information. I called and left mychart messages.

Finally, praise God, today he called me back and he is prescribing antibiotics as looks like I am exhibiting UTI symptoms.

If this is just the side effects of the BCG treatments- I pray that God uses it to kill all the cancer!

One of the encouragement I have during this time is the song "We need a miracle" by Charity Gayle. 

Let my faith be today
What it will be tomorrow
When I've seen the victory
You already see

I cannot wait to fast forward 5 months from now (after I finished 9 set of BCG) and to hear that I have 
"no evidence of diseases" NED.

Praise to God

 We sing "There is a King" from Elevation Worship at church this morning.
When I sing the lyrics below, I feel that God is reminding me to use the 2 hours period while waiting for the BCG treatment to settle in my bladder with giving God the praises.
"Where there is praise, He will inhabit
And there will be grace and mercy all around"

God will walk and be with me when I give Him the praises that He deserves. He will pour out His grace and mercy.

We also prayed for miracle today. God will lavishly pour out His love on us.
"Why wouldn't God help you? You are awesome" God's hands are never too short to help us.

BCG Treatments in a week

 I will start BCG immunotherapies in a week from now!
I am excited and nervous at the same time. 

Please continue to pray that I will have minimal side effects (dr said we want side effects to know that the immune system/body is responding) and that this treatment will be successful

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/17908-bacillus-calmette-guerin-bcg-treatment

I will have this treatment every Fridays for 6 weeks:

9/2; 9/9, 9/16, 9/23 and 9/30 and 10/11 (the final one is on Tuesday :))

Then, on November 21st, I will have the visit with the urologist oncologist after all the BCG treatments.

How I long for Christmas miracle of NED "No Evidence of Diseases"

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined, what God has prepared, for those who love Him" 1 Corinthians 2:9 NLT

God is my Champion

 I have a strong impression last week of how I do not fit into the bladder cancer patient statistic/profile.
Bladder cancer is 90% above 55 years of age; 75% male and the major cause is smoking. (https://www.cancer.net/cancer-types/bladder-cancer/statistics)

I do not smoke and not a second hand smoker - my parents and Jack, my husband, he doesn't smoke.

Bladder cancer's 5-year recurrence rates of approximately 65% in patients with non-invasive or in situ tumors.

I feel that God is telling me, while I do not fit the bladder cancer patients' profile, my journey of healing will also not fit the recurrence rate.

God will heal me and I will have 0 recurrence. God will bless the BCG immunotherapies that will start on 09/02 to heal me.

"You are my champion, Giants fall when You stand, Undefeated Every battle You've won" 
This song by Bethel Music is my Battle song! God will not fail.

Quiet Time

 I kept on thinking of why my UTI symptoms only exist when I am on vacation. A reason is that I am more stressful without my knowing? I don't know.

But, this morning - I came to realization that it might because I finally have time for myself. Finally, I can listen to my body. Normally, day to day, I am busy preparing stuffs for my early riser, Tiara. My days starts at 6:00am preparing my lunch, Tiara's lunch and breakfast as well as her after school stuffs. After work, I would pick up Tiara, takes her to her multiple activities....then dinner and "me" time of watching my TV show, study, my fun thing, etc. 

But, all of them are "do" "do" "do". Even my quiet time with the Lord mostly filled with me reading and journaling vs meditating/prayers/"quiet" time.

I barely have quiet time. I thank God for this season that now I have enough quiet time where I can just meditate on God's words. 

I used to not being able to wrap my head arounds "meditating God's law day and night" as I was like "how" - my minds are so occupied with 10,000 other things. Now, I know. I crave God's words - day and night because that's where I draw my strength and hope. That's what I need- like my food and snacks.

"Blessed is the man, who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." Psalm 1:1-2

New skill Acquired!

 One of new skill that I acquired last week was:
taking catheter out!

I was nervous doing it myself, but I did it! 

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39

Fighting Fear and Discouragement with God's words and worship

 My 2nd TURBT Surgery on 08/02/22 was hard. Surgeon mentioned that he saw more areas that are cancerous. Pathological report confirmed the 1st diagnosis that I have multiple areas of CIS (carcinoma in situ) - which is the aggressive bladder cancer, but thankfully it is not muscle invasive.

On top of the recovery from the surgery- I was bleeding and passed blood clot that blocked my ability to pee. I had to go to ER on 08/03/22 morning and was admitted to the hospital. The surgeon need to perform another surgery to stop the bleed (re-cauterized) and clean the clots.

I lost lots of blood. My hemoglobin was at 6 (standard rage 11.5-15.5) and my hematocrit 18% (std range 36-45%) The urologist suggested blood transfusion but I refused since I really just want to go home to see Tiara as well as I want to limit my exposure to any complications.

Although, I cannot resist worrying if I do not have enough blood cell in my immune system, I was afraid that my cancer cell would grow even faster.

I was very discouraged. I feel defeated.


Thankful for friends who encouraged me in the Lord. Vitria sent me this youtube link that was able to lift my Spirit up: 
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AvTtWbah4VE

Psalm 38: 21-22  "Lord, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God Come quickly to help me,my Lord and my Savior."

I appreciate all your texts, prayers, and verses that reminds me to draw strength from God during this hard time. Those prayers, texts and verses are what I need to refocus myself to God's miraculous ability, His goodness and His faithfulness.

I am also very thankful for friends that blessed us with food and in person prayers. I pray for God's blessings upon your family!

Some rainbows during this cloudy days include: 1) My FMLA is approved by WA State so that I do not have to worry about using work's PTO. 2) we no longer need to travel to Texas for our Texas house ordeal lawsuit where the sellers and their agents was fraudulent and misrepresented the listing that we purchase it for. We were able to settle it out of court even though it is not for much but enough to take this stressor out of our lives. We are grateful for God's provisions and hands upon these.

Focus on God's Promises

 Yesterday during my prayer group, my leader said "Focus on God's promises, not the problem, not even the progress"

and I am choosing to do that. To pray/remind God of His promises again and again.

"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD" ~ Jeremiah 30:17

• "You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back." ~ Isaiah 38:16-17
  
  
• "I have seen their ways, but I will heal them; I will guide them and restore comfort to Israel’s mourners, creating praise on their lips. Peace, peace, to those far and near,” says the LORD. “And I will heal them.” ~ Isaiah 57:18-19
  
  
• "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security." ~ Jeremiah 33:6
  
  
• "Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well." ~ 3 John 1:2
  
  
• "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:19
  
  
• "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." ~ Revelations 21:4
  
  

“See now that I myself am he! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand." ~ Deuteronomy 32:39

• "He said, “If you listen carefully to the LORD your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the LORD, who heals you.” ~ Exodus 15:26
  
  
• "Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you…" Exodus 23:25
  
  
• "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~ Isaiah 41:10
  
  
• "Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by His wounds we are healed." ~ Isaiah 53:4-5

Verses taken from: https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/healing-bible-verses/

Where is God?

 This question comes to my mind multiples times during the course of life. 

Why do sickness/bad things happen to people who loves God?

I am glad that God's words always bring peace and hope.

Sprinkle of Blessings

 There are couple things to be thankful for these past days:

1) BCAN.org is one of the reliable source of research regarding bladder cancer and I saw a nearby clinical trials that I might be able to participate in. So, I contacted the study and i received the responds email saying "Not cystectomy eligible at this time"

I am so glad reading that e-mail as I was thinking that with my CIS high grade diagnosis, cystectomy seems to be at the forefront recommended treatment

2)  This morning, I received a phone call that my surgery is moved to 9am with check in time at 7:30am! Praise the Lord! This will definitely make our morning schedule better as it is hard to find nanny coverage to stay with Tiara at 5:30-8:00 (the prior scheduled time)

So thankful with this sprinkle of blessings  

Waiting Time

 This morning, I have a thankful heart that I have a waiting time in between of my surgeries and treatments. Waiting time can be nerve-wrecking, but I am glad that it allows time for me to draw strength from God.

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint” (Isa. 40:31)"

After my first surgery (TURBT) on June 28th, I will have to wait for the bladder to recover for at least 4 weeks before Dr can go for 2nd TURBT - which is scheduled for August 2nd at 7:30am. Check in is at 5:30am. Then we will have to wait another 4-6 weeks before we plan for treatments to kill the cancer.

I am also thankful to live in Seattle, where there isn't short of medical supplies like some part of the nation. There seems to be shortage of the BCG immunotherapies and even IV contrast for CT scan in other part of the States.

I am glad that my uro-oncologist are able to give me his best thought of plan without having to compromise with stock supplies.

Thank you, God for continuing to walk with me through this journey.

Moses with Aaron and Hur

This past Sunday, I was helping Sunday School and the Bible Study topic was on Moses and the Amalekites. 

 Exodus 17:8-16 NIV - The Amalekites Defeated - The - Bible Gateway


In times when Moses' hands go tired, Aaron and Hur supported his hands on each sides. I am so blessed with wonderful women of God that surround me with prayers and cares as I am fighting this battle of bladder cancer.

It is so important to have friends who listen and obey the Lord. Friends who can join us in prayers and submitting our petitions/requests to the Almighty One who is on our sides!

God is Good and He is faithful. He is Victorious!

Dietary Changes with Bladder Cancer

 These days I feel that I have so many conflicting "facts" regarding dietary effect on cancer.

Just like this googling that I just did. Notice that eggs is both food to eat and food not to eat. 
My uro-oncologist wrote that he is not sure of any dietary factors besides caffeine intake before the BCG immunotherapy treatments.

I feel guilty eating meat and sugary food at times even though I am definitely eating a lot more veggies and fruits than before. I sometimes think that I can't win against this "diet"

I am blessed with friends who recommended integrative Seattle cancer care which I hope can offer better facts regarding dietary items which can support my immune systems.

Label

 I feel that I am carrying a label on myself "CANCER"
It is weighing heavy. That's what people sees me.
Even though I know and very appreciate of people being compassionate and caring to me, I know that my cancer is not what God sees me.

Just like the woman in the Bible with the bleeding problem "If only I can touch the garment of His robe, I will be healed" Luke 8:43-48

Just like  "When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”" John 5:1-15

Lord, I want to get well. I want to be healed.

Praying for your miraculous healing on me. But, just like ci Lichen said-  I'd rather seek You, the Healer rather than the healing.

I pray that this trial/burning time does not burn me.

Oh, an update! my #2 biopsy surgery (called TURBT) is scheduled on August 2, 2022. Please pray that it is successful surgery with minimal side effect on me and clean biopsy result :)

Conversation with myself

 

 I have been having TONS of conversation with myself.

"Oh, thank God, the cancer is found in early stages"

"But, it is the beast/aggressive ones"

"God got this"

"Well, I don't know if I'll be there to see Tiara graduates middle/high school"
"This is fine, worse to worse, I will lose my bladder"

"I am only going to be 40 next year and I will be without my bladder?"


All in all, I am encouraged in the Word of God:

Romans 5:3-5:
3 Not only so, but we[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

I asked the oncologist yesterday of what can potentially caused this cancer since I do not smoke. He said "Bad luck?!" 
I believe that God allows some sufferings to purify and bring us closer to Him.

Paul has his thorn on his flesh. Jonah lost everything and got bad disease. 

John 9: 2-3
2 And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3 Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him."

I pray that the works of God might be displayed in me.

God is our Hope and Healer

 I had my first meeting with the surgeon today after the surgery and biopsy.

In the morning, I feel as if I am facing a Judge and handed the "ultimatum". But, I realize that God is our Judge. God holds the Last Call/Judgement.

During the session with the uro-oncologist, he mentioned that bladder cancer journey is like a book. I am on my 1st chapter and there will be plenty chapter - bad or good. His goal is to keep my bladder as long as possible.

I am glad that he is optimistic.

I am reminded that God writes our story. He knows the beginning and the end - He is the Alpha and Omega. Nothing in my life will come as a surprise to Him. I pray that none of my chapters will grieve Him or Holy Spirit. I pray that all of them will bring Honor and Glory to Him.

Testing of Faith

Praising God that He allows me to go through this trials. The experience truly humbles me and brings me closer to Jesus than ever. 

2 Cor 12: 8-10 NIV
 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

James 1: 2-12 ESV

 Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

9 Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, 10 and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass[c] he will pass away. 11 For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.

12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 

God still Speaks

 I am so blessed to be part of God's family. My King, my God that speaks to me. This Sunday during the worship service, the Worship Leader was saying that he feels God has a message for someone "Your ears are surrounded by voices of the enemy and you can't hear the voice of God. Just turn your head"
God silences the boast of sin and grave.

I think that message is for me. I have been dwelling in the "what-ifs" and my heart is full of fear. Fear of the pain, Fear of not being there for Tiara, fear of how our family will go through this storm.

Thank you, God for the reminder that You are still the Victorious one and You are worthy of my songs. 

Worthy of My Songs by Maverick City and Phil Wickham

I'm gonna sing
'Til my heart starts changing
Oh, I'm gonna worship
'Til I mean every word
'Cause the way I feel
And the fear I'm facing
Doesn't change who You are
Or what You deserve

I give You my worship
You still deserve it
You're worthy, You're worthy
You're worthy of my song
I'll pour out Your praises
In blessing and breaking
You're worthy, You're worthy
You're worthy of my song

Yes You are, yes You are, Jesus
You're worth

I'm gonna live
Like my King is risen
Gonna preach to my soul
That You've already won
And even though I can't see it
I'm gonna keep believing
That every promise You make
Is as good as done

I give You my worship
You still deserve it
You're worthy, You're worthy
You're worthy of my song
I'll pour out Your praises
In blessing and breaking
You're worthy, You're worthy
Jesus, You're worthy of my song

You're worthy, You're worthy
Jesus, You're worthy of my song
You're worthy, oh You're worthy

When I sat by that hospital bed, You were worthy
And she could barely lift her head, You were worthy
After all those tears were shed, You were worthy
I'll never stop singing Your praise
I'll never stop singing Your praise

And in the blessing, in the pain, You are worthy
Whether You say "yes" or "no", or "wait", You are worthy
Through it all, I choose to say, "You are worthy"

I'll never stop singing Your praise
No I'll never stop singing Your praise
And when I finally see Your face, I'll cry worthy
And when You wipe these tears away, I'll cry worthy
Above every other name, You are worthy
I'll never stop singing Your praise
No I'll never stop singing Your praise
I'll never stop singing Your praise
I'll never stop singing Your praise

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBWM4laHANw

The Fire that Brings Repetance

 God brings purifying fire that brings us to repentance so that we become a bride that is Holy for Him.

Our family lately has been in purifying trials from our Texas rental house lawsuit since last year, my recent diagnoses of cancer, our water heater broke, Tiara's needs for braces. Feels like money just flew down the drain as well as we are emotionally spent.

Upon doing the taxes earlier this year in March, I noticed that my tithing for 2021 has been very sparse. I have only tithes 3.5 months out of the 12 months. 
God, I repent on that. I have put shopping and fun above Your command! Matthew 6:33 "Seek First the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things should be added onto you"

I have not put God's Kingdom's as priorities. I am sorry, God. Thank you for His redemption power and His gracious gift of forgiveness at the foot of the Cross.

We sang this song tonight at prayer band meeting "God of Possible"- In Jesus Name by Katy Nichole.

I speak the name of Jesus over you
In your hurting, in your sorrow
I will ask my God to move
I speak the name 'cause it's all that I can do
In desperation, I'll seek Heaven
And pray this for you

I pray for your healing, that circumstances would change
I pray that the fear inside would flee in Jesus' name
I pray that a breakthrough would happen today
I pray miracles over your life in Jesus' name
In Jesus' name

We spoke to the doctor yesterday and he recommended another TURBT (recession for extra biopsies) then immunotherapies treatments. I feel that this is the time when God can turn things around! 
My God of Miracle, please come and rescue me!

But, Just like Daniel did, even if you are not, You are still God! to You, God, be all the Glory!

Long Battle

 One thing that now I signed up for: a long battle of cancer.

The Song "Surrounded" by UPPERROOM really has strengthened me:

"This is how I fight my battles
Right here at Your table
Your blood and Your body has overcome...

It may look like I'm surrounded
But I'm surrounded by You" 

 "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Tim 6:12

"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." 2 Cor 10:4

Deuteronomy 20:4 "For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

Jeremiah 1:19 "They will fight against you, but will not overcome you for I with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.

FEAR

I heard many people were fearful over covid-19 and even when our family were masking, we were labeled as "fearful". I think we are more cautious than fearful over covid-19.

But, one thing I know about FEAR upon my cancer diagnosis is that Fear cripples.

Few days after I learnt on my diagnosis, I feel half paralyzed. I was in shock and cannot do much.
My heads were spinning on the worst scenarios. 

But, many times, my good Father reminds me gently to trust Him.

On the road, I saw a sticker of "Faith over Fear" on the back of the car.

I also happen to stumble upon this song:

"You already Know" by JJ Heller

I need to tell You that I'm scared

I feel completely unprepared

And nothing's what it was two weeks ago

But You already know, You already know

Everything I'm scared of, everything I hope

You hold my tomorrow, and all tomorrow holds

You already know

https://youtu.be/XYn9Qzj7rRU


Fear has no grip on me as Jesus holds the Final Say

Expiration Date

 One of the thoughts that came to my mind upon the release of the biopsy result was that:

I have an expiration date

I shared with Marini and she said "We all have expiration dates"

That's true. Our lives in this earth is just a temporary one.

I am glad for God's reminders/gentle nudges to press on to Him, to love God, spend time in His words and live the best that He wants me to live.

Urothelial carcinoma

 The pathology result came out today 06/30/2022 at 12pm. Urothelial carcinoma.

Bladder cancer.

That word "cancer" is discouraging.

Just learnt that my doctor is on vacation until July 6th so I won't know what is next step until then.

Praying for healing miracle and Glory to God throughout this process.

Psalm 91: 1-4 NIV

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]

2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

    my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you

    from the fowler’s snare

    and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge;

    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Trusting God

 Yesterday, June 14th, I received scary news from Urologist.

I have been having UTI like symptoms since last May 2021 that come and gone. It mostly come when I am on vacation. The urine culture has been showing no infection despite that I am having UTI like symptoms: burning when urinating, frequency in urination (like every hour at night despite I have not been drinking and no pee came out), as well as the inability to hold when I need to go.

There are multiple factors that I believe might contribute to this:
1) I was on a strict dieting and lost 30lbs back in April/May 2021.
2) I received my J&J vaccine April 15th, 2021.
3) Stress? since the UTI symptoms only seem to appear when I am on vacation. Although, I don't think I am stressful going on vacation.
4) Lack of water from afraid of peeing much in the airplane.

So, because of all of this, the urologist did a cystocopy.

The cystocopy reveals there are patchy areas in the bladder wall that look abnormal- so my urologist want biopsies done. She also mentioned that there is a mass in my bladder. My urologist was optimistic that it does not look like bladder cancer but we need biopsy to be sure.

Part of the cystcopy - she sent my urine sample to pathology and that result wasn't optimistic. It shows suspicious malignancy. Hence, this even confirm that biopsy is needed.

Prayer meeting from Westgate on June 14th said "In Jesus name, Diseases be healed" and I believe in that. Our God is a healer. He created all things good. Anything that happens, he can turn ALL things for good to those who are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28)

Continuing to write this blog today, June 29th, 2022

I had my bladder surgery yesterday. Praise God that it went well without any complication. I was taken into the room at 1:00, 1:30 they put in the blue markers to help the surgeon on my tumor area so that he can take samples well. We had to wait for an hour to get the blue light to settle in before the surgery can begin. It was my first (and hopefully LAST) being put fully under (general anasthesia). The anesthesiologist put some relaxing drip into my IV and I don't even remember that she gave me the oxygen mask. I woke up at 4:20pm in my recovery room as if I just woken up from a nap. 

Now, we just praying that the biopsy result will came out as clean/benign.

Umur panjang di tangan Tuhan ( Long life is in God's hands)

I feel that God is speaking to me quite loudly through this emotionally draining news.
For a while I always said to my friends "I want to live long enough only to help Tiara with her kids in toddlerhood years, so like until 70?!" (I guess this is also resulted from my parents' airline accidents that I think 70 years old is perfect age to pass away before their fragility/old age starts to take a toll)

But, this time, I feel that  God said "I am in control. You don't know how long you will live. You might not even make it to Tiara's High school graduation." God reminds me to be thankful of each day- that long live is a blessing. 

He still has His purposes in my life on earth.